No Place for Lies

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What is a lie?

You Always Know

What is a lie? Hopefully, I do not need to go into too much detail about what constitutes a lie. Just remember that lies are not just blatant untruths – they can be lies of omission or even lying when it is so much of a habit that it becomes unconscious.

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They Already Know

The Nature of Connectedness

On a subconscious level, your partner is aware of every lie, omission, and dark thought. They are also aware of every instance you honor, cherish, and love them. When you are having sex and imagining it is not your partner but your neighbor, porn star, or coworker, they know this. They, on some level, know EVERYTHING.

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The Détente

The Agreements

Fortunately, along with this subconscious knowing, some subconscious compromises, rationalizations, and agreements have been generated within your relationship. A form of détente that allows your partnership to survive, if not thrive, despite these deceptions.

When you do something outside this détente’s boundaries and then lie about it, the damage is twofold. First, there is the pain evoked by the actual act – and although this is hurtful, it is the secondary damage caused by the omissions and blatant lies that will truly poison the relationship.

Remember, at the deepest level, your partner knows if you have been unfaithful to the agreements, and the love in their heart towards you shrivels. Perhaps over the years, with significant conscious and subconscious machinations, love may flourish again. However, it is cruel to lie to this person whom you say you love when they KNOW the truth.

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The Physical Cost

Lies – The Unseen Killer

Lies in relationships diminish life force and cause illness on many levels. They physically make you weak, make you susceptible to disease, and reduce vitality. Emotionally and mentally, they increase anger, depression, and anxiety.

It is not uncommon in life to use the occasional “white” lie: “No, that dress does not make you look fat,” “Your penis is huge,” etc. These are more social lubricants than detriments to your relationship. However, each of you knows when the lie you are telling will genuinely hurt the one you love and, subsequently, yourself. Deep in your gut, you know that the continuation of this lie will slowly rot the once precious and deep love you had for each other.

So What Is to Be Done?

First, stop doing things you have to lie about. You know what they are! Either renegotiate your conscious agreements with your partner to accommodate those behaviors that are currently unacceptable, or find another relationship where your behaviors are acceptable. Why in heaven’s name would you continue to galavant around wreaking havoc on the world with lies that weaken and diminish you and the world around you? Again, STOP IT!

Second, what should we do about the past? Here are two options and their outcomes, in decreasing order of how well they will serve you and those around you:

• Best case: Your partner will appreciate your honesty, find it in their heart to truly forgive, and elevate your relationship to the highest, most loving state it has ever been.

• Good case: Your partner will appreciate your honesty, forgive you, and recognize that the relationship is dead and has probably been dead for a while. At least the two of you will part with clean slates, and if not with love, at least without animosity.

• Difficult case: Your partner, although appreciating your honesty, cannot forgive you, ends the relationship, and is possibly angry with you for a very long time.

• Détente shattered: Your partner does not appreciate your honesty and is furious that you brought the subject up. Even though they knew the truth on a subconscious level, they were content with the status quo of a less-than-perfect—need I say empty—relationship. This option is not unusual in some cultures. For instance, the wife knows the husband is having affairs; however, as long as he does his husband job, she will stay with him. Of course, there is no love in this relationship; it is simply business.

Possible outcomes:

• Most likely: The relationship will continue to be poisoned by the unresolved deceit that everybody knows and nobody talks about. This deception will inevitably lead to depression, anxiety, illness, and, most likely, yours and their untimely death.

• A Rare grace: Both you and your partner, subconsciously, have found workarounds to forgive the past. In these rare instances, love may once again grow. This result can sometimes be seen in couples of many years who have stayed together, weathered multiple shocks to their relationship, and come to a place of deep respect and near-transcendental love. This is NOT the most likely outcome of lies in a relationship.

Warning!

In no way are we recommending ruthless honesty, a once-present, if not popular, approach to interactions. Although the practice of ruthless honesty in the right setting, with people committed to transcendence, is a great tool, it is a recipe for suffering for most of us.