Love is Never Having to Say You’re Sorry

Mea Culpa

In our relationships with our primary partner(s), there will be moments where, after an interaction with them, they sustain an injury or hurt. Traditionally, if the cause of the hurt was due to your malevolent actions or poor decisions, a recognition of mea culpa would be appropriate.

When you run over someone in your car because you were texting, this would be a good opportunity for mea culpa. Clear cut.

But what about when blame isn’t so clear?

A Misunderstanding

Hoc non est mea culpa

For Example:

You tell your current partner that this relationship is the only one in which you have fully committed and that in your heart of hearts, this is your first true partnership. Instead of appreciating this declaration of love, they get angry at you for talking about your previous relationships.

Now what?

Instead of achieving and being appreciated for this demonstration of love, your partner is hurt. You know that what you need to do is apologize, but you also think, why should I? What I did was totally okay, and they just decided to get hurt by it. You are sure this is NOT your fault or Hoc non est mea culpa.

A simple “sorry” that implies you did something wrong may appease your partner, but it would be a lie and will leave you in resentment for being misunderstood and judged poorly. However, if they don’t get the apology—well, no peace for either of you.

Now What?

Hoc non est mea culpa

Here’s the thing: They’re not wrong to be hurt. Hearing about your other relationships—even in the context of “but THIS one is different”—can feel like sitting at a dinner table with ghosts. Their pain is real and valid, even if your intent was pure love.

And yet—you’re also not wrong. You were trying to express something beautiful.

So what do you do in these instances of Hoc non est mea culpa?

Understand

Humility

You must access that part of yourself that understands why your partner was hurt, acknowledge that pain, and express genuine remorse that they are in pain. You ARE sorry about the situation. You are NOT sorry that you said what you did, for in your reality, no harm was intended.

There is a big difference.

Their pain is not your fault (sidebar—victim consciousness), but it is your reality now. It is of great value to feel empathy that your partner was hurt, regardless of blame, and this needs to be expressed to them with a commitment on your part to not do it again. Why would you wish to keep creating situations that trigger someone you love?

Each in Their Own Time

Not Your Job

In this instance, it would be wonderful if your partner had the capacity to understand you and the true intent of your actions—but this is neither essential to the process nor something you should pursue. No one likes to be woken when comfortably asleep.

You are not in charge of your partner’s evolution. They will learn when they are ready to learn. They will ask for help when they need help.

To have a great relationship, you only need to do one thing: Love them and everything about them unconditionally.

How hard can this be?